Choosing The Soul
Many years ago, what feels like lifetimes ago, standing in a huge, empty hospital corridor, I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Though there was a full-scale mental assault inside me, a battle between my mind and my heart, my ego and my soul, I knew - in the deepest part of myself - that I was making the right decision.
Because for the first time in a long time, I made a decision for me. For myself. Not the selfish self. I made a decision for my true self. The inner self. The higher self. The Soul.
I didn’t know, when I left, that this would be the journey.
I didn’t know, when I left, that this would be the work.
I didn’t know what was happening.
All I knew was that something so strong was pulling at my heart, calling me back.
I didn’t know it was my soul calling me home. Not home to a physical location, but home to my Self. To the part of me that knows the truth, that never steers me wrong, that has been in the background waiting for me to realize what a masterpiece I truly am.
I had to make that decision, no matter what. And a lot mattered. A lot of people mattered. A lot of consequences mattered.
And, I mattered.
I realized that my soul’s truth was more important than a relationship, than approval, than expectations, than any “fabulous” and picture-perfect looking life. I had to let go of so many aspects of myself that I had built up over a lifetime.
I was no longer willing to betray myself to maintain the picture-perfect life. I was no longer willing to betray myself to win the approval of others. I was no longer willing to betray myself to meet expectations or avoid judgments. I was no longer willing to betray myself. Period.
I began to pull my life apart and rebuild.
When I made that fateful decision, in that defining moment years ago, I didn’t lose everything or give anything up. I didn’t leave anything. I didn’t go anywhere. But I did go home - to my Soul.
In many ways, my life started over when I left Italy. I was at ground zero. The choice I had to make was whether to see it as an opportunity, or to see it as a loss. It’s always the choice we’re given when chaos enters our lives. When things begin to break down. When the familiar falls away. Whether we choose to view (and to judge) it as bad, or as a chance to start anew, is entirely up to us.
That choice determines our experience. And, regardless of the choice we make, life continues. This is where we begin to know what we’re made of, deep within. This is where we meet our psyche head-on. This is where we glimpse our shadow. This is where we encounter our Soul. At the threshold of choice.
What did I choose? I chose to live. I chose my Soul.
NOT THE ENDING, THE JOURNEY
I’m living proof that when we choose to walk our path, honor the truth in our hearts, and listen to the voice within, we are met by the Universe/Spirit/God, etc. who will walk us to our most empowered destinies. The more I trust my heart and soul, the more I am proven right. The more I honor my own needs, set boundaries, stand up for what I believe in, stay true to my desires, and stay centered in my equanimity, the more life responds in kind.
We love happy endings. We want to see love prevail. And, I truly believe, it does. It has for me because after all, I did find my soulmate, Andrew.
We’ve been married for two years. We’re in a conscious, loving partnership that is a vehicle for our growth and our love. We’re empowered by each other, through each other, and we honor each other. I’m grateful for Andrew everyday. He supported me during a most challenging personal year in 2018. I’m grateful for the way we grew together when we lost the angel that had brought us together and made us a family. I’m grateful that he does his work, and for the way we do our work as a couple.
I think of my situation and marriage like a ‘happy journey’. It’s an ongoing, daily, incredible journey that requires patience, presence, and commitment. A journey that has all the passion, compassion, growth, intimacy, connection and love that I almost didn’t believe I would ever have.
My relationship with Andrew, and the stories of so many others who have followed their own hearts, is a beautiful reminder that choosing my soul, listening to my heart, and following my inner voice always leads me to experiences and to people who are aligned to my truth, my dreams and my deepest desires.
I’m grateful for every experience in my life. If I hadn’t made that gut-wrenching decision, I wouldn’t have found true love. If I hadn’t made that gut-wrenching decision, my ex wouldn’t have had the baby he so desperately wanted (and now has). We each walk our own path. We walk with others, too. Sometimes our journeys run in parallel, sometimes the intertwine and sometimes, they veer apart.
Only our heart, our soul, and our inner voice know the personal truth within each of us. That personal truth never sways, wobbles or strays. We do. And it’s up to us to bring ourselves back to center. Back to the heart. Back to the soul.
QUESTIONS FOR SELF-INQUIRY:
Do you feel in alignment with your Soul and your Deep, Driving Desires? What does it feel like when you honor your soul? When have you followed your inner voice of wisdom and what were the results? Find a moment of stillness, place your hand to your heart and ask, “what do you deeply desire?” and tell yourself, “I choose you”.