Doubts and Dreams

I am frozen in fear at the thought of launching this brand. I’m afraid of my dream. My ego is grasping at anything it can to validate why I shouldn’t dream so big. It’s telling me I need to figure it all out right away: build a program, write a book, set up webinars, seminars, get clients, get busy, do this, plan that, and then, and then, and ... Because I need income. We all do. Nothing wrong with that. But the mind goes to safety. Don’t dare. Play it safe. Exchange your time for money. Do what you know. 

That’s one thought. 

The other thought is that no one will actually find value - enough to help me feel financially stable - in what I really have to offer, which is wisdom through my words, my writing, my presence. What I have to offer is: inspiration, motivation, and empowerment through nurturing support. My experience, reflected back to help someone else live their dreams and desires. My ability - through any means I have at my will - to help someone else rise above their demons and shake off the shackles of their darkest, most debilitating doubts. 

There are days when I feel on top of the world about what I want to accomplish. I can write inspired, uplifting prose. I can imagine how my words could help others. But, I’m still figuring out wealth and health. I'm no expert. I don't have answers. Just my self-inquiry and perpetual motion forward for more knowledge and growth.

ALL THE WAYS I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I still overeat and then feel guilty. And then to add to the guilt, I’ll eat something ridiculous to punish myself (high sugar, high fat, high everything that I definitely don’t need to add to the chaos in my belly). I have days when I still think how much better I looked when I was 10 pounds underweight. I judge myself more times a day than I check social media. I still worry myself into a high state of anxiety about income, and about having enough or losing it all. I see others who are really succeeding - not just financially but also with soul, purpose, and poise and I wonder why that can’t be me. I think longingly about how much I want to be that kind of person. The person who is living their purpose and who speaks with clarity and resolve. Who isn’t afraid to be who they are, and who is having an increasingly bigger impact on the world. 

Why can’t I own that part of myself? What am I afraid of? Why does a part of me keep sabotaging my own best efforts?

I WANT TO FIND A BREAKTHROUGH

I want to own my voice. I want to be proud of speaking up. I want to take a stand. And the only way I can do that is by releasing myself from everything that is holding me back. If I’m going to leap, then I have to jump. I have to leave. This time, I think the jump and the leap are going to be more meaningful than ever. 

Here's what I actually want: I want to live peacefully, without having to be so stressed all the time about work, money, and time. I want to connect with people, I want to think … I want to write, do yoga, be serene, be happy, be joyful. I want to be fulfilled. I want to feel that I am fulfilling a greater purpose by making an impact on the lives of others. I want to help.  

I’ve been stuck the last few weeks. I’ve been stuck in trying to plan everything out. I have not been listening. I have not been receptive. I’ve been pushing. Forcing. I’ve been thinking. Waaaaay too much thinking.  

Not enough listening. Not enough sensing my intuition. There is something exquisitely divine about the feminine intuition if I would only take the time to stop and actually listen to it. To feel it. I feel the emotions that rise up when my ego is thrashing. I know how to identify those. I need to take this a step further and identify when the emotions are being created by the intuitive soul, telling me to take notice. Asking me to stop. 

I know how to do this ...

I have done this before - emotionally and strategically supporting creative, aspiring, hardworking, inspired, creative, pioneering entrepreneurs and their businesses, developing their brands, evangelizing and advocating, making connections and introductions, launching and building. And it is something I can do again. Helping others understand how to access their full potential so that they can do the necessary internal and external work - the professional and personal development - to really get a business off the ground, navigate the twists and turns of fundraising or personal finance, create a purposeful and purpose-driven culture, maintain a creative and passionate life, live with a healthy mind and body, and generally, bring their best skills and qualities out so that they lead and shine. 

But the stakes feel bigger this time. There is more on the line. More of my own identity and heart. This isn’t me working with someone else, lifting them up. Putting them ‘out there’. This is me putting myself out there. And it’s more difficult to do than I had ever imagined. 

Can I believe in myself as much as I believe in the people I’ve done this for? And the lives I want to touch now, with my vision for this brand and this platform?

If I can inspire others to look at their motivations and their perspectives, and take big or small steps towards alignment with their innermost desires, then I have succeeded.

If I can illuminate even the hint of a path for others who are feeling compelled to make a change, start something new, follow a passion, leave misery, or discover their most joyful purpose, then I have succeeded because I have served others, and served my highest purpose.

 
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