Fear, Control & The Full Moon Eclipse
Sharing what’s been going on since the last solocast - experiences and insights, questions from others, and also a review of current astrology and what it’s showing us. This is a link to the episode, as well: July Solocast.
I love astrology because it gives context to some of the energies, patterns, events and insights that I experience or sense. It’s a very powerful intuitive tool. I’ve been doing a lot of personal work around reconnecting with my intuition, strengthening and training intuitive skills. I’m also learning about working with energy as well as medical intuition and spiritual anatomy through Caroline Myss’ work.
What's really interesting and surprising to me is that intuition lives largely in our body. The Soul also lives – is anchored into – the body. As somebody who abused her body and disconnected from it, it makes sense how I was unable to connect or trust my own intuition for so many years … because I was disconnected from my body. The consequences of that disconnection are very apparent (as I talk about in my public talk and a lot in my upcoming book).
We connect to our intuition through the senses. It's eye opening and has given me an entirely new understanding of life. That’s been part of the work this month – what is intuition, where do I find it? It’s where we sense it. And there's no better sensing organ than the entire body. So that's been that's been a bit of an adventure as I explore how intuition resides and works in my body.
I've been trying new practices like a Kundalini classes, as well doing my regular breathwork and sound bath sessions. I really enjoy sound baths because of the way the frequency and the vibrations have been affecting me. Basically, I feel amazing. It’s a form of passive ‘work’ for releasing energy. For anyone who hasn't done a sound bath, they're popular here in L.A. so if you can get to one where you live, I highly recommend it. It's not hard - you don't have to do any ‘work’ unless you want to – like you might want to work with active imagination or journeying, feeling the energy sensations in your body, or calling in some guides, angels, etc. It’s different from other ceremonies and sessions insofar as don't have to do any integration or stories about your experience.
The more I do these practices, especially when I’m feeling like I need to clear energy, the more I get attuned to life around me, and to my body, and also to things outside of me. I have a better understanding of the collective unconscious, social trends, etc. I’ve always had a knack for understanding trends and where things would go, but now I understand this skill on a much deeper level. I’ve discovered, through these energy practices, that I have a high level of attunement to energy, to the collective, to understanding patterns and symbolism, and even the way the cosmos provide information and a map to what’s going on in the world. It’s part of the reason I’ve become so interested in astrology, and additionally, to numerology. So that's been really fascinating to learn. And this is also why a lot of people are now calling me or asking me lately, “hey what's going, on because I'm feeling kind of off?!”
So, if you are feeling ‘off’, let’s bring in the astrology because the transits this week are really powerful.
On Friday, the 27th of July, we have a big full moon. It's a blood moon, which means that the moon is going to take on a reddish tint because of its proximity or angle to the earth.
What's important about this full moon is that it's also concurring with a full moon Total Eclipse. It's the eclipse that is the significant piece of this astrology and the way the energy of the eclipse is affecting us. This is the longest eclipse (prior, present, and future) of the 21st century. Even though we don't get to see it from North America we still get to feel it. We had one eclipse two weeks ago on the 12th/ 13th and one on the 27th (tomorrow) and then the next one will be on August 10th/11th.
That in and of itself is pretty powerful because the eclipses usually come in pairs and this time, we get three in a row. So, it's been this triple eclipse is opening a big portal that is helping us align our energies to the energies of what's going on with the planets and with cosmic consciousness.
Today also is the day that Mercury goes retrograde. That explains a lot of this feeling ‘off’! Mercury joins a whole bunch of other planets that are also retrograde, including Mars that went retrograde last month. Mars retrograde energy (fiery, action-oriented, warrior) is very potent; we’re all feeling it because retrograde is a backward, slower, motion. Personally, I've been feeling more lethargic than I normally do. I'm usually pretty active and very energetic and also very strong. But my yoga practice has been much softer this week. It's not just physical tiredness or fatigue though, it's on a much deeper level. My body is telling me it doesn’t want to do a lot of strength work, it wants to do more restorative, yin, stretching.
I'm feeling into more of what my body wants: self-nurturing and self-care so that's what I've been giving myself. And it's been fantastic because I'm giving myself a lot of rest and a lot of nurturing. More meditation too. I treat myself gently and with more of a softness. I'm not like, “hey you've got to hit that handstand!” The way I used to push myself would be to hit every single handstand, every time, and never a child's pose during class. That would be old me. Because I’m more attuned to my body, this week I’m practicing this form of self-love where my body is saying ‘no’ to pushing and appreciating the softer approach. There’s a lot of mental focused required to do strong poses. Take handstand, for example. It’s not just that you pull your legs up with your core. You’ve got to use your mind to make sure that everything stays super focused and aligned and balanced. So instead of jumping into hot, sweaty yoga studios on the weekend, I’ve been taking walks on the beach. It’s been extra hot lately here in LA also, so that plays a role in our energy levels.
If anybody else has been feeling this way, whether it's astrological energetics or collective energetics or just fatigue because it's the summer and we're out more, just go with it. Go with feeling like you don’t want to push. Like you want to take it a little easier. There's nothing wrong with taking some time. There's nothing wrong with resting. There's nothing wrong with going for a walk instead of doing a hard workout.
This is really intense cosmic energy, which could be contributing what you might be feeling right now, especially if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or like there’s more going on that you want to deal with.
There’s a lot of stuff coming up that I need to face. I can't just bury it or say, “I’ll deal with that later”. A lot of really intense things have come up for my personal healing. This is largely because early last month I committed to writing my book. I've been writing pretty much every single day. Even if I don't write on a given day I will be thinking about or reworking concepts or ideas. But, every day, I committed to doing some work on the book - without being forceful. As I've been writing a book it has taken on a different shape than I thought it would.
I've ended up doing so much inner work through writing the book. I don't use the word transformative a lot because that's a really strong word. To say that something transforms you … I take that word seriously. But I can use that word here. Writing this book has been a transformational process. There is so much that has come up for me as I write because I am reflecting back on parts of my past to understand what brought me to that breaking point that I talk about and in that speech of “Digging my Soul out from under my Ego”. To that moment of clarity and feeling like I was set on fire and my whole life came crashing down around me. The moment I knew I had to leave my first marriage when I was living in Italy.
I did a lot of work around what led up to that moment. You can imagine what stuff comes up. For me, this process and the way I've been writing has been transformation. I write with the intention to explore and understand. To see myself again, to feel into the experiences and the decisions, and but not to get caught up in the story. I call it ‘compassionate re-experiencing’. It’s seems impossible, or like a paradox. The idea that you could basically re-live the past without re-living the story (you had been telling yourself). But it IS possible because I'm doing it. It's so healing. It also brings a lot up into the mind and it brings a lot back into the body. That part of the process has really been transformative for me because it feels like I've cleared space inside of me. It's like I'm emptying out. And I have been able to let go of things that I believed and pieces of myself that I held onto; layers of identity and parts that contained a lot of shame or blame. And, obviously tons of judgment. All this has been coming up while writing, and it's been clearing out.
That’s been quite an incredible experience for the past couple of months. That's where I'm focusing a lot of my personal time. It brings things up to the surface in the present too. I had a big fight with Andrew (my current husband; not to be mistaken with the one I left 7 years ago) and it made me have to look at some major issues that I hadn't quite gotten to in the book. Even though the book is about my past, there are issues that underlie the present, things that go even deeper than motivations, things that led me to make previous decisions. These ‘things’ are around control and fear. And these issues got reflected back to me in this fight.
So even though I'm working on myself and working through these layers, I definitely still have control issues. They're really sneaky because as much as I’d like to say that I don't want to control anyone, actually, I do! I do, because I like to control the outcomes of things. Control can be really sneaky. I could see it subversively in the form of, “I really would prefer you to do this…” (in this way, in this timeline, etc.).
And, well, that's control!
That's still me. Even though you might change the word and try to be sneaky, that's still control. That's still me saying, “This is my expectation … (and by the way you didn’t meet it).”
Expectation is the breeding ground of disappointment and dissatisfaction. If you're ever dissatisfied or disappointed just look at your expectations. You’re pretty much always going to find why you're disappointed or dissatisfied.
Even though I didn't think I was trying to control anyone I looked deeply at the reflection (of me wanting to control him). Whenever we have these situations or fights or when somebody says something we don't want to hear, it’s a sure sign that it's exactly what we need to hear and it's exactly what we need to look at.
So, you know, I took a big breath and I looked at it … and part of what came up was this sense of fear that I had. This fear underlying the need to control, underlying what I was projecting into the relationship and onto him. Because his behaviors triggered this fear.
I wrote a blog post about this a little while ago about the ‘Bag Lady’. I have this this fear of being homeless, of being rejected and forgotten and uncared for. That’s my perception of homelessness. What’s underneath this is the fear of being unimportant as I see homeless as disenfranchised and, truthfully, as victims of a society that doesn’t care. I mean, we just as a society, for the most part just don't care about them. Like they stopped being people. And that's really scary to think that you could ever be put in the position where you just are not even a human being anymore. That fear is an underlying fear around safety and security. That’s a first chakra issue. An issue of, “will I be OK?”
So, I had to really look at that. What makes me feel unsafe and why? Why do I think certain things are important? And how do those things then set my expectations? And then affect my behavior? These are deep, core issues. Fear, control, safety, security. Control shows up as controlling outcomes, the environment around me, people, situations, etc. and all of it so that I can feel safe. So that I feel like I’m in control of my own safety.
That’s a huge issue to be actively dealing with - internally, and it’s coming up to be witnessed, reflected-on, and healed (so that it doesn’t hold such a negative, fear-based charge). When something this big comes up and it has a really strong emotional charge – like it’s pulling you emotionally and energetically, then it means you’ve got to look at it.
I've been working on consciously releasing this emotion and energy, and trying not to use my mind to rationalize away the emotion that is giving me information. I could certainly use my mind to come up with a hundred different scenarios why I will never be homeless and even put in place some plan so that it never happens. But who's to say it won’t? And, it doesn't matter what my mind thinks because if my body is holding onto fear, which is emotional, that feeling of fear still doesn't go away, even if I make a million plans. Even if I have ten million dollars in the bank (which I don’t), I could think I feel safe, but I still wouldn’t because the feeling of safety (or lack thereof) is inside of me. So, I have to go inside of my body and track that down, feel it, and face it. And that doesn’t feel good! Not one bit. It’s a primal fear, a primal feeling. It makes my body shake in terror. It’s quite something.
I did a breath work class the other day with Betsy La Fae down in Venice. She's amazing. She said something that resonated so strongly with me. She said, “I found my mother's malware when I was nagging my boyfriend” Brilliant! Malware. Like programming and conditioning that makes us act in a certain way that's not even us - it's just something that we picked up and installed in our psyche.
I love malware as a concept and I'm using it consciously because it's such a fun way to take yourself out of your own story and take yourself out of blaming yourself and judging yourself. And that's not to say you don't take responsibility for yourself, but it is to say, “OK well it's this thing - it's malware and I don't want it. I'm gonna clean up my malware!”
So, coming full circle back to the astrology and into tomorrow and the full moon and this massive eclipse. Also, the numerology for tomorrow, July 27, is a triple 9. The number 9 is the number of ending and completion. Endings and completion don’t need to be bad … we usually think of endings as bad, though, don’t we?
This makes tomorrow a huge day for releasing for letting go of things that don't serve you. Full moons are about release, letting go and completion. 9’s are about release, letting go and completion. Letting go of something that is complete - whatever it is so - that you can make room for something new. And that's the kind of energy that I'm going to be working with in my intentions. My intentions around putting different programming in place so that I can actually take conscious active steps towards other empowering intentions.
And that's the key to everything. It’s not like you sit there during an eclipse or a full moon and just soak it up. I mean, you can do. But, it's kind of like “The Secret” in that you can't just wish for something you want and sit back. You still have to put energy and intention behind what you desire and then do something. Take a step. Take action and put the process of making it happen into motion.
I’m going to be working with this fear and this control that came up for me to examine, and to heal and to let go of it. That's a lot of what I'm going to be working with: how do I let go of control? How do I learn trust? How can I feel trust? Can I feel trust in the universe? Can I feel faith that the universe, my higher self and my soul is there for me always?
I'm also bringing myself back into the present moment because here's the thing: if I'm thinking about a situation that a I really have no control over, I'm sending a thought and energy there – into the future that may or may never happen. I can’t know. But what I’m doing for certain is sending (fearful, low vibration) energy in the form of feelings and thoughts into a supposed future scenario that probably will never happen. What's the point of that?
What's the point of taking myself out of present time, where I could be doing something far more useful with the energy and those thoughts, and just giving it away? I'm giving it away to fear. The power that we have is choosing where we place our thoughts and where we place our energies.
These issues have come into my conscious awareness and are the ones I’m going to be working with – control and fear. Because, let's be honest, we're like programmed around fear in many ways. It's unfortunate but it's also something that we can work on. Doesn’t go away overnight but you’ve got to keep at it. And the more I keep at it, the more I can gain awareness of something. And the more awareness I bring to anything, the more likely I am to make a shift around something that previously took my energy (and my power). I can feel the shifts in my body and it changes the way the thought feels as well. It’s like the thought doesn’t have the same felt, emotional or energetic impact. It’s there, but it has no power. It doesn’t feel like anything. And that’s revolutionary!
That's when I know that I've healed something. It's when it doesn't feel like anything anymore, or when I don't get caught up in the story anymore. It’s when I just think, “OK, how does that feel now?” If it doesn't feel like anything then I know that I've made a really big step towards healing it.
Where in your life is fear and control an issue? Bring awareness there. Think about, “Are there areas in my life where I'm actually still trying to control things out of fear?” Try to identify those and ask yourself what the big underlying fear could be. Then, see within yourself if there is a place, a feeling or a situation where you can find trust. That kind of trust is huge, and it’s not something normal for us to think about in our culture. We think we can control everything. But, when an outcome is out of your hands and the only thing you can do is to do your best today, that brings you directly into the present moment. Into present time.
For me, the fear of being tossed away and forgotten is not where I'm at today. I have a home today. I have a roof over my head. I am way more than ok. I'm so incredibly fortunate and privileged to be where I'm at today. So, I don’t need to give away my energy and my thoughts to something that is not true. Because it's not truth. Not today. Not in present time.
The thought and the fear is some old malware. Who knows? What I do know is that I’m aware of it now and I can choose my thoughts differently, and work to release any emotion that holds me hostage and takes me out of present time.
With the full moon and this big eclipse, I have an opportunity to work on: What do I want to release? I want to release fear. I want to heal some control issues. I want to be able to let go of a lot of thoughts that run unconsciously in the background and take my energy without me knowing it. I want to clear space inside myself for different, new, and more empowering potential to come in.
When we release, we are making space or making space for the new. We are making space for beginnings and for opportunities. For anyone doing any work around this full moon and around the eclipse it's going to be really powerful for a few days.
Here’s a paragraph from one of my favorite resources, www.thepowerpath.com. This is from Lena Stevens and what she says about this full moon:
“It's a perfect time for a bid for power. What do you really and truly want that you either feel you don't deserve you don't have the skills or time to create or you simply don't believe it could happen? Face your doubts fears and anxieties and ask for help and support for your bigger dreams. This is a great time for transformation expansion and clearing of some very deep old emotional insecurities and wounding. It's a good sign if you feel slightly imbalanced emotional and vulnerable. Great healing is possible and forgiveness is key.”
Those words speak right at me!
I hope the full moon and the eclipse also bring you some deep healing. A great way to work with these energies is to write down the intentions around clearing fears, insecurities, anxieties, and doubts that you want to release. Spend some time feeling into those and feeling the power behind your intention to release them. Going through this portal of these eclipses, use them intentionally. Say, “This is what I'm making space for. I'm going to release all of this because I want my energy back. I want my power back so I can make things happen!”
But first, we must release. Face your doubts and fears and anxieties and put them out there. Let them go and then work towards what you want to make space for in your life. Make space for your own healing and your transformation. Identify some of your own malware to be cleared out. This is an incredible exploratory journey that I’m so grateful to be sharing with you all.
Full Moon Eclipse Blessings!